It's been an interesting few days. I've noticed that my random thoughts are less random lately. Maybe that's the counseling kicking in after all these years. Or I don't have time to be so indulgent.
I've realized that my early humans didn't love me properly. (They tried and I'm sure they all meant well.) They used their disappointment to 'mold me' and now I'm frequently overcome by negative feelings looming over me. But the negative feelings don't originate with me, they belong to someone else. I have a hair trigger for rejection. Or perceived rejection.
Thing is...they didn't mean to reject me; they meant to lovingly perfect me. When they should have pulled me aside and explained a better way or helped me walk through the consequences with the attitude of a coach, instead they shook a finger at me or rolled their eyes and voiced some disapproval. They wanted me to know I let them down.
So now I strive to balance that out. Any current reproof falls into that cavernous abyss and restarts the cycle of approval-seeking behavior. (Let me prove that it's not my fault you're disappointed...I can do it...You'll see that I can fix this...) How did I get through 48 years of life and 15 years of counseling without knowing this?
And how do I stop this pattern in my own parenting style? Nothing is more irrelevant to my sons than the disappointment erroneously handed down to me from my family of origin. What a stupid way to communicate with a child.
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11 years ago
1 comment:
Well at least you have realized where it originates and that you also in turn produce it. Isn't that where change can come from, your realization it exists and desire to no longer move forward in this area?
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