Whew.

What a day. What a month. What a year. This may be the toughest time of my life.
(Those who know me best will shudder as they remember 2005 and watching me lose my Mom, Louis being out on the streets for 10 months to end up crippled in a car accident, and my beloved Gramma dying.) But 2009 has been much MORE uncomfortable.

Bill was laid off from his job in November of 2008. We signed the lease on our house the week before he got notice. We moved to Pleasant Hill on Christmas Eve. After six months of continued construction our house was finished and we were up to our eyeballs in unpacked boxes. Still unemployed. In September of 2009 Richard started eighth grade at the local middle school. His entry into the public school system is even now sending shock waves through our community. He needed to find out that his impulsive choices have consequences reaching beyond daddy and momma. He's failing in four subjects and lying and stealing every day. He got suspended yesterday for giving bullets to his friends at school. He stole them from our room. We'll see the principal tomorrow.

Still unemployed. We used up the severance pay. We used up our savings. We used up the 401k and the IRA. We're using the unemployment before it even gets here. We've cut every corner and have three cars for sale. We've paid our rent each month. Two of the cars need tags. This week the car insurance, phone bill, health insurance, and Comcast bill are due. Army pay isn't here yet, unemployment won't be here til the weekend, and SSI comes on the 20th.

So, here's where it gets intense. With $39 in the account, I call to get a doctor appointment for Richard in order to refill his medication. We only have two days of medicine. The visit costs $130. The doctor returns my call at 12:00. She only has one open appointment this week; today at 1:30. So, I jump in the car and call her. Can you take a post-dated check? She says yes. Whew! Only 60 minutes left to make the 75 minute drive from Pleasant Hill to Palo Alto. We stop to get $5 worth of gas and the ATM card is declined at the pump. Without that gas, we will have to cancel the appointment. I go in to the cashier and he runs it 3 times...all declined. I refuse to panic and realize that if God wants us to get to Palo Alto, He will make it work. Suddenly, another clerk jumps up from behind the counter and asks, "Credit declined on pump 8? It's broken. Choose debit." Thank you, Lord.

We fight the traffic to Palo Alto and arrive 20 minutes late. The doctor is waiting and her next appointment is running late so we get our prescriptions and leave. Thank you, Lord. Heading to the pharmacy now. Oops, they're out of the medication. We head to the gas station to get another $10 of gas. The account balance is now $24. At least that's enough for the medicine copayment. On to the next pharmacy and they run the order through the insurance. It's not clearing; calling and waiting. When it prints out they tell me the cost will not be $20, but $44. The copayment is higher now and they can't explain why. I leave without the medicine and go home to tell Bill and my attitude begins to show.

We need shelf brackets to finish installing shelves before the landlord comes to visit Saturday. So I head to Home Depot to use that remaining $24 for shelf brackets and then remember that we never used the carpet cleaner machine so I can return it. That's $80 in store credit. As I'm waiting for the store credit to buy the brackets, the clerk asks me if I want the money on the credit card or want cash back. Apparently they can give you cash if you chose ATM to pay the original purchase. The amount due back to me is $48. As she hands me the cash I realize it's just the amount we need to pay for the medicine.

You might think it's a coincidence that I thought of returning the cleaner or asking about the post-dated check or the gas clerk knowing about the broken pump or the other patient running late or that I chose ATM. I see God's hand in all of it. He is teaching me to rely on Him for every single step. We are living from cash card to return item to coincidence and God is orchestrating it all. How else can you explain that we have paid our bills for one solid year without a job? How else can you explain that my husband is here with me every day to learn what it's like to stay home with Richard?

God is good. Life is uncomfortable. What's next.

why lie?

I haven't blogged for 10 months? Really? It was just a blink.

All you're likely to get from perusing my thoughts today is gobbledygook. This was my Facebook post from this morning...

"Well, I got a call from school today. Richard stole dollar store dice from the math teacher. Lied about it, got caught with part of it, lied again, blamed me, lied about why he was late to that class, implicated another teacher, lied again, then lied to two more teachers who proved he was lying about the implicated teacher."

That's all I have to say about that. I'm gonna go ride my bike.

expensive revelation

It's been an interesting few days. I've noticed that my random thoughts are less random lately. Maybe that's the counseling kicking in after all these years. Or I don't have time to be so indulgent.

I've realized that my early humans didn't love me properly. (They tried and I'm sure they all meant well.) They used their disappointment to 'mold me' and now I'm frequently overcome by negative feelings looming over me. But the negative feelings don't originate with me, they belong to someone else. I have a hair trigger for rejection. Or perceived rejection.

Thing is...they didn't mean to reject me; they meant to lovingly perfect me. When they should have pulled me aside and explained a better way or helped me walk through the consequences with the attitude of a coach, instead they shook a finger at me or rolled their eyes and voiced some disapproval. They wanted me to know I let them down.

So now I strive to balance that out. Any current reproof falls into that cavernous abyss and restarts the cycle of approval-seeking behavior. (Let me prove that it's not my fault you're disappointed...I can do it...You'll see that I can fix this...) How did I get through 48 years of life and 15 years of counseling without knowing this?

And how do I stop this pattern in my own parenting style? Nothing is more irrelevant to my sons than the disappointment erroneously handed down to me from my family of origin. What a stupid way to communicate with a child.

I can't believe I'm blogging
I can remember exactly where I was standing when I said, "There is no written communication so important that it needs to be delivered at the speed of light." That was 1991; please forgive my foolishness. I was a newspaper publisher and was marveling at my new thermal fax machine while dismissing the need for email technology. Look at me now!
I have no idea why you people would want to read my thoughts but it helps me to write them down. Maybe archaeologists will use this stinted record to unravel the secrets of the universe one day. If nothing else, I am breaking down the walls of technological prejudice and saving Bill from having to endure my random thoughts.
For those who've gone before me...I offer my apologies. I thought blogging was dumb when YOU did it. Pastor Bill, Sooz, Adam, Ruth, I loved reading your words but I attributed that to loving you BEFORE you blogged. (And you're all brilliant!) So I'll give the credit to Ruth for turning me from the "blank" side. But I'm still saying 'no' to scrapbooking.